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The Pizzagate Massacre

USA 2020
produced by
John Valley, Taylor Camarot, Tinus Seaux, Joss Sanromán, Malina Panovich, Morgan Davis, Ben Oliver, Jack Sheehan, Scott Martin, Michael Thomas Slifkin, Aaron B. Koontz (executive), Rami Shafaii (executive) for Illuminati Pictures, Archstone Entertainment
directed by John Valley
starring Tinus Seaux, Alexandria Payne, Lee Eddy, Mike Dellens, John Valley, Reynolds Washam, Arthur Simone, Chandra Washington, Donald R. Harrell, Steve Brudniak, Zachary T. Scott, Derek Babb, Laurie Gallardo, Bernadette Maloney, James Redondo, Hannah Shaper, Greg Williams, Steve Uzzell, J.J. Summers, Erik Gatling, Addrian Laguette, Brad Silman, Bre Westry, Adrian Croom
written by John Valley, music by John Valley, Erik Gatling

review by
Mike Haberfelner

Available on DVD !

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Terri Lee (Lee Eddy) is a news anchor at a minor local TV station who attracts some attention mostly for spouting especially riditulous conspiracy theories, like the one that pedophilic lizard people hold children for rape and consumption in the basement of a specific pizza parlor - things that are taken seriously by hardly anybody - hardly anybody but Karen Black (Alexandria Payne), an intern on her show who got fired after 20 minutes but who has the ambition to become an investigative journalist in her own right. So she decides to do some digging at the pizza parlor of her own, and maybe save the children held there in the process. Thing is, she can't do this alone, so she walks into a meeting of the local militia to ask for assistance. However, the militia is much too caught up in its leadership debate between gun-crazy Philip (John Valley) and voice of reason Hollis (Mike Dellens) to really take much notice of Karen's issue - all except for one, Duncan (Tinus Seaux), who's somehow obsessed with Terri Lee. Oh, and with guns. So despite all the red flags Karen, an Afro-American, encounters, from the confederate flag license plate to the Nazi tattoo across his chest, she accepts his help. However, during their cross-country trip to the pizza parlor, Karen and Duncan form some sort of bond - quite despite the fact that Duncan shoots somebody in self defense on the way and makes her help him get rid of the body. Thing is, at the pizza parlor they can't find any evidence that would support Terri Lee's claim, starting with the fact that the place doesn't even have a basement, so this turns out to be a non-story - until of course Philip storms in, armed to the teeth and desparate for attention, and starts a massacre ...


Quite an unusual blend of conspiracy theory thriller and hard-hitting satire, that actually works much better than it ought to, because despite its hair-raising premise it doesn't slip off into farce but finds heart in the story, in the process making its protagonist Duncan relatable even to viewers (like me) who share none of his views, in the process giving him a pretty strong character arc. And Tinus Seaux' strong central performance, supported by a very able ensemble, of course helps with that. But the film's also on point when it comes to action and the necessary violence, to make this into one cool piece of genre entertainment that in the end comes across as thoughtful as it is tense.


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Robots and rats,
demons and potholes,
cuddly toys and
shopping mall Santas,
love and death and everything in between,
Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

is all of that.


Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
a collection of short stories and mini-plays
ranging from the horrific to the darkly humourous,
from the post-apocalyptic
to the weirdly romantic,
tales that will give you a chill and maybe a chuckle, all thought up by
the twisted mind of
screenwriter and film reviewer
Michael Haberfelner.


Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

the new anthology by
Michael Haberfelner


Out now from




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directed by
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written by
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