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Falo Crest

Spain 1987
produced by
Phallos Films
directed by Lennie Hayden (= Lina Romay)
starring Jane Morgan (= Lina Romay), Carmen Carrión, José Miguel García, Brenda Haven (= Elisa Mateo), John First (= C. González Ordi), Mel Power (= A. Bartos Velasco), Linda Edwing (= M. Fernández Moreno)
written by Jess Franco (as Lowel Richmond & Preston Quaid), music by Daniel J. White, cinematography by Jess Franco (as Terry De Corsia)

Falcon Crest

review by
Mike Haberfelner

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The Channings, a rich Californian winegrowing clan, are a peculiar family indeed ... since everybody there seems to fuck everybody, and one of them is even held as sex slave. Only Maggie acts like a good girl and doesn't even like to suck her husband off. That's too old-fashioned even for her mother Angela, so she at one point blows Maggie's hubby before her very eyes, then lets Maggie drink the resulting sperm.

Sperm though is also the secret of the Channings' wine, their vineyards are fertilized with it, so their wine has this certain cummy flavour.

However, as promiscuous as mom Angela might be, first and foremost she's a shrewd businesswoman, so she wants all the vineyards she's supposed to split among her kids for herself - and thus, at a party she fills them all up with aphrodisiaks, and in the ensuing orgy, she quietly collects signatures that her kids sign over their land to her ...


Apparently made at the height and as a parody of the TV-soap Falcon Crest, Falo Crest has very little to do with the series apart from a few character names and the fact that it's about wine. Instead we get a slightly silly hardcore porn comedy that not exactly reinvents the genre, but (if you're into porn to begin with) is at least fun to watch because its jokes, the plot and all the shagging are at least interwoven so the whole thing has a coherent (if downright perverted) feel to it, all of the performers seem to be in on the joke, so while not all of them might be adequate acting-wise, they at least seem to have a blast (even when they're not having sex), and the approach to the whole thing is properly light-footed.

All of this makes this movie anything but a great film - but at least an enjoyable porn comedy ...


review © by Mike Haberfelner


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Robots and rats,
demons and potholes,
cuddly toys and
shopping mall Santas,
love and death and everything in between,
Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

is all of that.


Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
a collection of short stories and mini-plays
ranging from the horrific to the darkly humourous,
from the post-apocalyptic
to the weirdly romantic,
tales that will give you a chill and maybe a chuckle, all thought up by
the twisted mind of
screenwriter and film reviewer
Michael Haberfelner.


Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

the new anthology by
Michael Haberfelner


Out now from




On the same day
a Burglar wants to kill you
and your Ex wants
to make up ...
... and for the life of it,
you can't decide


A Killer Conversation

produced by and starring
Melanie Denholme
directed by
David V.G. Davies
written by
Michael Haberfelner
Ryan Hunter and
Rudy Barrow

out now on DVD