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Mistress of the Apes
Diane - Herrin des Dschungels

USA 1979
produced by
John F. Rickert
directed by Larry Buchanan
starring Jenny Neumann, Barbara Leigh, Garth Pillsbury, Walt Robin, Stuart Lancaster, Mark Rhudy, Marius Mazmanian, Ric Drason, Dennis Gable, Frank Martone, Joseph Leo Sexton, Vince Torrente, Maida Belove, Dale Park as a gorilla, Angela De Joseph, Sandra Kaye, Paula Sills, George Travis, Dale Kalberg, Suzy Mandel, Barry Buchanan, Blayne Dennis, Burr Middleton, Raymond Vellucci
written by Larry Buchanan, special makeup by Greg Cannom, makeup assistant: Rob Bottin

review by
Mike Haberfelner

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Scientist Susan (Jenny Neumann) goes to the African jungle to find her husband, who has gone missing on a mission to find the missing link. She is supported by fellow scientist Paul (Garth Pillsbury), but unfortunately also by journalist David (Walt Robin) and his wife Laura (Barbara Leigh). Now Laura is not too bad a person, but David is really in league with poachers Brady (Stuart Lancaster) and Sikes (Marius Mazmanian), the very guys who have killed her husband to capture a bunch of missing links - here called homo habilis, and later near men - and make a fortune off them.

Soon enough, Susan has made contact with the near men and has started studying their habits and learning their language - heck, she has even started to have sex with one of them - while David and his cutthroat friends have made Paul and Laura their captives, and David is asshole enough to encourage Brady and Sikes to rape Laura, too. David and Laura manage to free themselves and make an escape though. Soon enough, the two of them run into Susan, who tells them about her findings, and they tell her what has happened to them in the meantime. Despite their ordeal, Susan asks them to stay and guard her back in the name of science, and despite their ordeal, they agree in a heartbeat.

Soon Susan has usurped a high position in the near man tribe, basically I guess because of her looks, her willingness to have sex, and because she knows about the white man's weapons - because eventually, David, Brady and Sikes move in on the near men, and it's only thanks to Susan that only one near man is killed and it doesn't end in a bloodbath. So Susan and the near men, aided by Paul and Laura, start the counter attack, lure David and company into an area riddled with tracks ... and once the traps have sprung, the near men slaughter them. And to kill David the ringleader, the near men even learn how to fire a gun ...

In the end, Susan decides to stay with the near men, her newfound tribe, while Paul and Laura return to civilisation vowing to tell noone of the near men's existence.

 

So ok, this is one bad film: The basic plot is downright silly, the storytelling is full of narrative implausibilities, the cast is below average (though at least the girls look nice and get topless), the missing links look ridiculous, and the directorial effort is definitely less than inspired ... and yet, the movie is just too much fun not to be liked, at least by a trash film enthusiast like myself. I mean, this is not arthouse cinema, world cinema, a message film, doesn't give a fuck about being ethnologically correct or relevant, there is no hard scientific background to anything shown on screen, this is just a silly and a little sleazy low budget piece of escapism - taske it seriously and you'll hate it, but don't and you will be wildly amused ...

 

review © by Mike Haberfelner

 

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In times of uncertainty of a possible zombie outbreak, a woman has to decide between two men - only one of them's one of the undead.

 

There's No Such Thing as Zombies
starring
Luana Ribeira, Rudy Barrow and Rami Hilmi
special appearances by
Debra Lamb and Lynn Lowry

 

directed by
Eddie Bammeke

written by
Michael Haberfelner

produced by
Michael Haberfelner, Luana Ribeira and Eddie Bammeke

 

now streaming at

Amazon

Amazon UK

Vimeo

 

 

 

Robots and rats,
demons and potholes,
cuddly toys and
shopping mall Santas,
love and death and everything in between,
Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

is all of that.

 

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
-
a collection of short stories and mini-plays
ranging from the horrific to the darkly humourous,
from the post-apocalyptic
to the weirdly romantic,
tales that will give you a chill and maybe a chuckle, all thought up by
the twisted mind of
screenwriter and film reviewer
Michael Haberfelner.

 

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

the new anthology by
Michael Haberfelner

 

Out now from
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