Alex Stone (Daniel Goddard), kind-hearted leader of a coven of blood-thirsty vampires, has fallen in love with Estelle (Katherine Hawkes), daughter of George Henderson (Nick James), benevolent head researcer of the Illuminati, who try to obtain immortality. Much to the dismay of his vampire pals - who are all killed by the police and a mysterious vampire hunter (Matthias Hues) eventually -, Alex wants to become human again, so he can really be with his true love, even if that means he has to give up his immortality. To that end, he has to enlist the help of Estelle's father, whom in turn he promises the secrets of immortality. However, now the Illuminati and especially their leader Victor Price (Eric Etebari) turn out to be pretty evil folks, and for some reason, they take Estelle hostage and threaten to kill everyone else. Eventually, the cops show up to arrest everyone, but by now the Illuminati are too powerful ... or so it seems, because Alex has some powers beyond immortality, and he just teleports all the Illuminati (or rather just their heads, for some bizarre reason) to outer space - where they will remain (and live) forever - and this way, Alex rids the world of (almost) all evil.

The ending sees Alex living in a kitsch villa with Estelle, sitting in the garden and painting the sun, no longer allergic to its beams ...

Illuminati versus Vampires might sound like a good, highly original idea (even if Hammer tried something similar in 1973's Satanic Rites of Dracula), but unfortunately, this film is anything but. Made on a low (but sufficient) budget, this film has managed to not invest one single new idea into the tried-and-true vampire genre, and thus the vampires are seen wearing capes in modern day USA, they hiss and growl when cornered, disappear into mist, say stupid things like "I want to see the sun, I want to see nature in daylight" when they're in one of their romantic moods, and Daniel Goddard as vampire loverboy does his best to look romantic yet mysterious (but fails most of the time). Likewise, the Illuminati are portrayed as some second rate gangsters with some crude ideas about immortality hardly capable of pulling off decent drug deals let alone controlling the world from behind the curtains. Add to this an understanding of business and politics derived from some daily soap, a total lack of gore, a cast that's uniformly not up to the task ahead, and an ending that's nothing short of ridiculous, and you are left with a pretty annoying movie.

Do yourself a favour and avoid this one!

review � by Mike Haberfelner

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In times of uncertainty of a possible zombie outbreak, a woman has to decide between two men - only one of them's one of the undead.

There's No Such Thing as Zombies
starring
Luana Ribeira, Rudy Barrow and Rami Hilmi
special appearances by
Debra Lamb and Lynn Lowry

directed by
Eddie Bammeke

written by
Michael Haberfelner

produced by
Michael Haberfelner, Luana Ribeira and Eddie Bammeke

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Robots and rats,
demons and potholes,
cuddly toys and
shopping mall Santas,
love and death and everything in between,
Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
is all of that.

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to -
a collection of short stories and mini-plays
ranging from the horrific to the darkly humourous,
from the post-apocalyptic
to the weirdly romantic,
tales that will give you a chill and maybe a chuckle, all thought up by
the twisted mind of
screenwriter and film reviewer
Michael Haberfelner.

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
the new anthology by
Michael Haberfelner

Out now from
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