Red (Tim Gerstmar) is the happiest serialkiller/cannibal you can imagine, basically because he has found a wife, Violet (Pippi Zornoza) who shares his interests 100% - but then evil Baron Nefarious (Geoff Mosher) kidnaps Violet because he sees the perfect woman in her (not that he doesn't think she still needs a breast job and gills for better deepthroating though), the woman he wants to rule the world with after it's been overrun by his zombie army.

So what does Red do?

He puts on his new superhero suit (complete with a cape made from human skin and a penis to wear on the outside) and goes on a quest for her, a quest that leads him to the land of eternal sunshine, Sweden (which for some reason is somewhere in Australia), where women just love to show their boobs, and to barowner Super Inga (Sandra Kennedy), whose nipples were disfigured by cheese fondue, and later round the world meeting all sorts of weird characters and always guided by his alien guide Stavros (porn legend Jamie Gillis), until after training and advice from an eccentric rockabilly star (Hasil Adkins) and his own father he tracks Nefarious down to the Bermuda Triangle. In the finale, Nefarious throws everything he has gut at Red, including his zombies, ninjas and disobedient dog men, however (and I don't think that's much of a spoiler) good prevails in the end, with Red freeing not only Violet but also the sidekick he never knew he even had (Doug Williams), while Nefarious gets what has been coming to him.

Still, in the end Red is arrested for his serialkilling past - hey, you don't get away with everything just because you just saved the world, right?

Ok, the title Die You Zombie Bastards! alone might not suggest a brainheavy discussion about the afterlife as such - but the movie hiding behind that title is pure madness. It's probably best described as Troma on speed - and that's saying something, right? I mean, this film is so full of sick jokes, rubber penises, outbursts of senseless violence and intentional leaps of reason - quite despite of the silliest reasons for women to bare their breasts -, that even someone like me is hard-pressed to find something to properly compare it to. Also, the film doesn't give a ratfart about narrative consistency - and that's actually part of Die You Zombie Bastards!' actual strength: Despite being a film flooded with genre clich�es of all sorts, this is not a formula movie, but a movie that has set out to have fun and to offend, and to have fun offending. Which brings me full circle again, because the best way to describe the film: It's pure madness!

Be warned though, this is not for everyone, especially not those with a weak stomach, a faint heart, or those who are offended easily. But those blessed with a few mates and a few beers will have no problems enjoying this one!

review � by Mike Haberfelner

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In times of uncertainty of a possible zombie outbreak, a woman has to decide between two men - only one of them's one of the undead.

There's No Such Thing as Zombies
starring
Luana Ribeira, Rudy Barrow and Rami Hilmi
special appearances by
Debra Lamb and Lynn Lowry

directed by
Eddie Bammeke

written by
Michael Haberfelner

produced by
Michael Haberfelner, Luana Ribeira and Eddie Bammeke

now streaming at

Amazon

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Vimeo

Robots and rats,
demons and potholes,
cuddly toys and
shopping mall Santas,
love and death and everything in between,
Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
is all of that.

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to -
a collection of short stories and mini-plays
ranging from the horrific to the darkly humourous,
from the post-apocalyptic
to the weirdly romantic,
tales that will give you a chill and maybe a chuckle, all thought up by
the twisted mind of
screenwriter and film reviewer
Michael Haberfelner.

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
the new anthology by
Michael Haberfelner

Out now from
Amazon!!!