Teacher Janet (Karen Witter) has just started her work at the Ravenscroft Correctional Facility for young girls - where soft-spoken principal and head psychiatrist Gary (Robert Vaughn) believes in giving the girl as much freedom as possible - when girls start disappearing. In fact they are all kidnapped by a guy in a Ronald Reagan mask (talk about spooky) and walled up in the catacombs under the estate, but only the audience knows that yet. Before long Janet also starts to have weird dreams that seem to be connected to the missing girls - but don't ask me how.

Before long, Janet even comes up with a tailor-made suspect, Doctor Schaefer (Donald Pleasence), the institutes head psychiatrist, especially after she learns that he once was a patient at the place when it still was a mental institution ... but she is of course wrong, the real killer is Gary himself, who feels the urge to kill the girls he feels his treatment has failed on. Janet finds that out only minutes after he has proposed to her, and suddenly she finds herself running from her husband-to-be while Doc Schaefer, her prime suspect, (unsuccessfully) tries to save her. Ultimately though she is saved by Gary's own wheelchair-ridden father (John Carradine), who at an opportune moment rather inexplicably appears behind a crumbling down wall and immediately gets into infight with his boy, which is only ended when the catacombs finally cave in. Janet of course is saved.

How this film is based on Edgar Allan Poe remains at anybody guess: Sure there are a few people walled up and a black cat does appear in one or two shots, but that's hardly enough to qualify the film as an Edgar Allan Poe adaptation. In fact the film, despite its dream cast consisting of Robert Vaughn, Donald Pleasence and John Carradine in his last film, is nothing more than a cheaply done and uninspired slasher by former porn director Gérard Kikoine that has very little to go for it (and not because Kikoine formlerly directed porn) - in other words, your typical Harry Alan Towers-quickie. Not really worth your time and money.

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In times of uncertainty of a possible zombie outbreak, a woman has to decide between two men - only one of them's one of the undead.

There's No Such Thing as Zombies
starring
Luana Ribeira, Rudy Barrow and Rami Hilmi
special appearances by
Debra Lamb and Lynn Lowry

directed by
Eddie Bammeke

written by
Michael Haberfelner

produced by
Michael Haberfelner, Luana Ribeira and Eddie Bammeke

now streaming at

Amazon

Amazon UK

Vimeo

Robots and rats,
demons and potholes,
cuddly toys and
shopping mall Santas,
love and death and everything in between,
Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
is all of that.

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to -
a collection of short stories and mini-plays
ranging from the horrific to the darkly humourous,
from the post-apocalyptic
to the weirdly romantic,
tales that will give you a chill and maybe a chuckle, all thought up by
the twisted mind of
screenwriter and film reviewer
Michael Haberfelner.

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
the new anthology by
Michael Haberfelner

Out now from
Amazon!!!