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Bite Me!

USA 2004
produced by
Michael Raso (= Michael Beckerman, executive), Jeff Faoro (associate) for ei Independent Cinema (Shock-O-Rama)
directed by Brett Piper
starring Misty Mundae (= Erin Brown), Julian Wells, Rob Monkiewicz, Erika Smith, Michael R. Thomas, Caitlin Ross, Sylvianne Chebance, John P. Fedele, Carl Burrows, David Fine, Justin Wingenfeld, Chris Mimikos, Igor Fernandez, Tanisha, James Jankiewicz, Tom Taggart
written by Brett Piper, music by Jon Greathouse, special effects by Brett Piper

review by
Mike Haberfelner

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Available on DVD !

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Ralph (Michael R.Thomas) runs a run-down little strip club in the middle of nowhere, and to keep it from taken over by neighbourhood bitch Teresa (Julian Wells), he gets into a bit of drugdealing. What he hasn't taken into account though is that the Marihuana that has just been delivered to him is actually from a gouvernment lab and is infested by bizarre bugs which love to suck blood ... and of course, before you know it, the bugs have escaped the crate the Marihuana is kept in and bite Ralph's tough-as-nails waitress Gina (Sylvianne Chebance), who first turns into a zombielike klutz and later into a raving lesbian. Soon too, the bugs have bitten Teresa, who suddenly turns first into a stripper then into a raving lesbian as well ... and before long, Gina and Teresa become inseperable.

It doesn't take Ralph long to realize that a club full of bugs is bad for business, so he hires retarded exterminator Buzz (Rob Monkiewicz) to solve his little problem - but when Buzz sprays the bugs with insectizide, he only makes them grow ... Oh, and a mad (ex-)agent from the DEA (John P.Fedele) doesn't exactly make things easier too.

Eventually, the bugs bite one of Ralph's strippers, Crystal (Misty Mundae), and to everyone's surprise, Crystal doesn't turn into a raving lesbian but into an action heroine, and together with Buzz and with the help of guns, dynamite and whatever else there is, the two of them kill the bugs including several bug-mutants - even if that means to blow up the whole stripjoint - and save the very few remaining survivors.

All's well that ends well ?

In a way, but the last scene shows a bug emerge from the strip-joint's rubble that is as big as a house ...

Erika Smith and Caitlin Ross play strippers, one a total klutz (Smith) and one totally spaced out (Ross).

 

At times, Bite Me ! is really a fun film - a B-movie about a bug-invasion including several mutants and the like can't be all bad, especially if it refuses to take itself seriously -, but ultimately the film fails on the story- and character-level. Somehow the story just refuses to come together, it's just a sequence of story elements, some of which are pretty good while others suck, but being placed next to each other, they lack coherence. And the characters totally fail to come to life, on one hand they are completely one-dimensional, on the other they seem to totally change without warning (why is Misty suddenly an action heroine, why is the doofus exterminator suddenly a walking encyclopedia, how does the DEA-agent fit into the story, why is Gina introduced as tough-as-nails fighter only to later not exploit her talents, ...). Another thing that is wrong with the film is the lack of suspense, after all this is a horror flick - even if it's done tongue-in-cheek -, yet it seriously lacks tension, and the indifferent music doesn't help one bit either ...

This all said, Bite Me ! isn't all bad, taken as an intentionally silly, old fashioned shocker about killer bugs, it's at least at times fun to watch, and it's a lot less embarrassing than many comparable big Hollywood pictures made for (at least) 100 times the budget ... just do not expect anything too great either.

 

review © by Mike Haberfelner

 

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Thanks for watching !!!

 

 

Robots and rats,
demons and potholes,
cuddly toys and
shopping mall Santas,
love and death and everything in between,
Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

is all of that.

 

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to
-
a collection of short stories and mini-plays
ranging from the horrific to the darkly humourous,
from the post-apocalyptic
to the weirdly romantic,
tales that will give you a chill and maybe a chuckle, all thought up by
the twisted mind of
screenwriter and film reviewer
Michael Haberfelner.

 

Tales to Chill
Your Bones to

the new anthology by
Michael Haberfelner

 

Out now from
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On the same day
a Burglar wants to kill you
and your Ex wants
to make up ...
... and for the life of it,
you can't decide
WHICH IS WORSE!!!

 

A Killer Conversation

produced by and starring
Melanie Denholme
directed by
David V.G. Davies
written by
Michael Haberfelner
starring
Ryan Hunter and
Rudy Barrow

out now on DVD